This is where I spill the pixels — raw logs, dev experiments, and the emotional rollercoaster of building worlds from scratch.
Started prototyping a 2D platformer this could be good vibing for now.
Shit ok here we go
My first log got deleted. It was a visualization of being extremely nervous and anxious — probably a full-blown panic attack in hindsight. I'm not so used to complex emotions. I'm a hermit; I shield myself from these things by choice. But I guess even I can't escape it.
Feeling lost.
Feeling physically heavy.
Having shallow but heavy breathing.
Feeling a pull on the back of the neck and shoulders as the muscles tense.
Right now, making a game is the biggest challenge of my current situation. I want to do this because I want to keep doing this after I get it done. I have already collected a handful of ideas — original ideas — but ideas are cheap. I need to learn how to make a game before I can attempt to show off my masterclass cool idea project that's supposed to set me up for life.The original Dev 1 included me moaning about spending months collecting every game engine I could find, watching game dev YouTube that didn't really go anywhere, and installing all the apps I could find — all but never trying anything myself with any of them because they all felt off to me. Leading up to that, I spent months with the legendary Stanford CS50 course I kept hearing about. I completed all the theory of cybersecurity, thinking originally I'd take that route into the IT field, and learned some stuff on binary and so on. But I didn't actually learn anything. I'm still just as useless as I was on day one. I finished the theory without grasping it — yet again.
In terms of practical skills, all I achieved is I'm only slightly more aware of the fact that I know nothing — now more than ever.
Finally conquered my first in-game progress bar! It's a small victory, but it feels significant. I still need to assign it to a class — listen to me using big boy words. I sound somewhat knowledgeable this time around, unlike the previous log that was just pure venting and frustration.
It's definitely difficult to make games. I'm starting to understand — on a spiritual level — those YouTube videos that start off with “don’t bother learning to make games.” Basically, I can kind of agree with it being difficult. At this stage, it's still too early to say if it's worth it or not. At least I can kind of claim I made some progress.
It’s been a few days since the last dev log. I'm learning at a slower pace than expected. Not knowing the basics makes it easy to be lazy — specifically lazy about learning. I am also procrastinating a lot on top of my laziness. I hope it will get better once I know the basics-basics. I think I might be getting nothing done because of feelings like not even understanding what I’m supposed to be doing — or in what order. I’ve been making some minor progress on my coding. I now confidently know what a is, how to define functions, and I kind of know how to call those functions. Apparently, GDScript isn’t very insistent on how you define parameters. It’s a bit of a curveball, and that is fucking with my natural internal thinking. Eventually, I should be able to overcome this — or perhaps I’ll learn to hard-code the data types. I also know what the double point symbol does. I don’t know its name in English… oh, it’s a colon. Fuck, I knew that. Sometimes it feels like my mind is melting.
Question to other devs: How do we feel about this colon name? I’m team double point. We already have a colon in English
So I'm researching game mechanics because I'm making a platformer, but the funny thing about that is I don't really know platformers. I have the common experience of having played the original Mario, Sonic, and Adventure Island games — and not much else. I've never finished a platformer game. I chose to make a 2D game because I couldn't even conceptualize the idea of a 3D platformer. But as I am researching, I remembered I did play two 3D games: the original Spyro the Dragon, very briefly. I had a PS1 hand-me-down from when I was 7, although I didn't make it far in the game before it decided it was done with me. Yup — that PS1 died on me, and I never replaced it with another console. I became a PC master race kid there and then. Much later in life, when I was in high school, we got a Wii. But I passed it on to an older brother when he moved away. I only had two games other than the Wii Sports that came with every Wii device. Those games were the dark fantasy Disney Mickey Mouse game where you had to repaint the world — I didn't really play it. I sucked at it at first because of my lack of console experience, and I didn't really understand that game at first, so I didn't learn how to play it.
And finally, Donkey Kong Country Returns. Now this was special. This game is truly a masterclass. I say that even though I have no idea how I progressed past some parts. Thinking back now, it was — and still is, in my mind — a perfect game. And now that I remember it, I'm kind of sad that I will never again experience it as a new thing. It blew me away. It was revolutionary. I'm sad because in my world, a perfect game already exists. So in the back of my head, I'll always know I will probably never be able to make my interpretation of a perfect game — because it has been done by someone else.Regardless of culture, religion, sexual orientation, or race, everyone knows the opening line to the Bible. It goes: “In the beginning God created the heavens and the earth.” It goes on to describe the earth as this formless, empty, dark entity — basically existing in this state of nothingness. That’s how we all are at first. Before I got the idea of making my own game, it was this discipline of art and coding that no mortal should dare question or touch. It required divine intervention to make a good game, as well as divine knowledge and skill beyond the capabilities of any man you’ll ever meet. That’s the mindset. For me, both art and coding were off-limits because they require talent and knowledge that I saw as simply inaccessible.
So we all go on about our daily lives, never thinking about games outside of being players/users. One day, about a year ago, I saw a YouTube video titled Go Make Games. It was about 40 minutes long — it felt like only 15. It talked about how anyone could make a game and followed up with examples of good games with shit code, sound design, and shit art. But these games were successful. They were good games. The year came and went. I wanted to make a game but had no ideas for games. I never dared dream. Finally, I had an idea. And another. And another. And everyday things could suddenly be turned into ideas. All three ideas were unique. All three had elements I’ve never seen before in a game. Two were beyond my scope. One I don’t think I’ll ever attempt. But two game ideas were decent enough to try.The one I’m saving for later I believe should be worth about $4M if executed correctly. And the one I’m making right now was my very first idea — and is the only one I actually think I can make on my own. That’s how Bait’s Adventure started becoming more than an idea. I had to pick an engine. I downloaded all the engines I could find. Some turned out to be custom engines meant to run one game and one game only — a little embarrassing that I had the idea to build my game on these, but whatever. I was playing Pokémon with these engines. I thought I’d start with RPG Paper Maker. It gave me some confidence because it had built-in sprites, and building the map was kind of easy. But I abandoned the project because, while playing with the engine, no ideas came to me. It wasn’t good for my creative process. I still needed to discover the process — but this engine wasn’t it.
I realized I don’t want to work with Unity or Unreal. Something in me was just automatically opposed and turned off. I couldn’t apply logic to it — it’s just who I am at my core. I decided I’m going to start with 2D games, and that left me with Godot and GameMaker Studio. I was getting more pro-Godot YouTube stuff than GameMaker stuff, so I went with Godot as my engine of choice. I now had an idea for the game, dimensions for the game, and an engine to work with that I was going to stick with. Brackeys saved the day by teaching me how to get comfortable with using Godot, and I followed along on my first tutorial — with some customization to make the game my own. But without version control, I vibe-coded something I couldn’t figure out, and it broke my code beyond recognition. It introduced variables. It double-defined the same functions. It showed me the extent of how stupid computers can be. And I was furious and defeated and lost — all in one go. I deleted the project. I needed to learn how to code. So I did that. Now I know what snake_case is and all these things. But I don’t know how to think like a programmer. I don’t actually know what I’m expected to build or when to use a float — all these nitty-gritty problems that no one tells you about. I’ve never been this defeated. But the game must go on. So we power through. When in doubt, there is always the route of tutorial hell. I can’t read documentation. I didn’t attend a wizard school. The magic is just noise. Hell is all I got.Since I’m making a platformer, I should probably play a platformer. I try out Hollow Knight. I have mixed feelings. But with time, I make progress and start to understand why it’s loved — and hated. I can’t make this. But I don’t have to. My emotions have cooled. Back to making my own game. Back to tutorial hell.
I just zoned out staring at the screen for at least 10 minutes, maybe longer. I ran into a problem — as you do. At first, I thought I should introduce ladders for versatility, but then I wasn’t doing anything. Even after finding a tutorial, I just kind of sat there. Yesterday, when the idea came to me, I was sitting, thinking about it: should I snap onto the ladder? Would it look weird if I did? Would it be strange — snapping too perfectly on-center or off-center?
But then I took a nap and forgot about it.
Anyway, here I am now, finally remembering — oh yeah, ladders. And after zoning out, I figured out why I’m struggling to commit to this idea. Not only am I worried it will look kinda ass, but I also realized I don’t actually need a new mechanic for vertical movement. I already had one. The real reason I had this idea was probably that I wanted more assets to fill out the screen/map. The problem is, I have no game art, and this would have given me something to look at and felt like I was progressing. But I don’t think it would have been meaningful to add.
The serious problem I’m running into right now is not having a clear mind or mood for making art. It’s a weird thing to dread. As a kid, MS Paint was a pastime. After getting internet and seeing good art, I don’t want to open an art app. Krita is a spaceship to me. But okay — I’ll make some art, I guess.
Sometimes we’ll be frustrated because we just don’t know how to make progress. And other times, we have to do something we don’t want to do. So time has passed, and I now have art — kind of. The main thing is, this art is good enough for a version 0. Like, to pass on. This is the idea for the next version: I have a floor and a dedicated aesthetic for different zones now, and ideas for four different zone art directions — if I get that far.This dev log feels different to write out. I’m not all nerves or panicky now. I’m more concerned with: will I actually finish this project? I think I’m starting to get my first-ever sense of scope creep, and I’m now a little worried about the idea becoming too big for me to solo dev and finish. Gamers are known to be forgiving with stuff in development. I could release earlier and continue updating it with patches of development. But I don’t want to cheat anyone. I want to make my own thing on my own time and deliver at least one completed zone before I dare think about shipping a product.
But when the day comes, I’ll need to start looking for devs to take over — to deliver something more polished. My best might turn out shit. But if I can get it to the point of expressing my idea, someone else can take over and make something good. And then, regardless of how the sales go from there, I’ll be proud to say: I made that a reality.
As I’ve mentioned, I didn’t play many platformers growing up, so I started Hollow Knight for research. I’m about 50 hours in now. Around the 40-hour mark, I had to use a guide to find the Crystal Heart dash ability because I got stuck—there was a serious lack of clarity on what I was supposed to be doing, and I’d run out of new areas to explore. It started feeling aimless for a while. I struggled a lot, and I’m not even sure why. Now that I’ve “git gud,” my path was: Crossroads → Greenpath → Fungal (via Greenpath). I didn’t find the Mantis Lords boss fight yet, but I know about them. Then I went to the City and struggled with the Soul Master. I farmed a lot of geo trying to beat that boss, but ended up getting the lantern instead.
I did Crystal Peak but didn’t find the dash ability there. Found the graveyard zone instantly—still need to do the flower quest. I broke the first one because I thought the grave was nearby. Found the zone above Greenpath, did that, killed Soul Eater. Did the Sewers, beat Dung Defender and the second part of the City. Found Kingdom’s Edge and Ancient Basin, got the skill there and the second nail upgrade. When I made it out, I picked up Crystal Heart.
Before that, I killed the ghost boss in Greenpath, picked up Isma’s Tear, went to Queen’s Station to unlock the Gardens, picked up the ability—but I still don’t have a map for that area and haven’t opened the station yet. I’ve given this game so much of my time, and I’m not entirely sure if I like it or not. I recognize it’s a good game, but I’m starting to wonder... do I even like games?
Leave a Comment